Dapoppins

Most of my friends know that I have a serious problem.

Abut a year ago, after being caught indulging in my secret problem in a local park, an intervention was staged.  Friends and family gathered about, their faces were serious.  Full of concern.  At first I thought it was a surprize birthday party, until my best friend Bee started passing out little pamphlets to everyone about how gently convince me to change my evil ways.

"Poppins, you have a problem," Bee said with a sad shake of her head.

"Huh? Where's the diet Coke? How can you have a birthday party without diet Coke?" I asked.

"I'll get you your diet Coke fix later, dear," said my husband with a beleaguered expression.  If you know any men who have been married to caffeine addicts for more than ten years, you probably have seen this expression before.  Deep, sad eyes, but sort of tight around the mouth. 

"We need to talk to you," Bee tried to continue as I searched the dining room for presents.  Where were the gifties?  This was all about me, wasn't it?

"Dapoppins. Please sit down. We need to talk about what happened. In the park."

"In the park? Oh, that. No big deal, it was all cleared up."  I blushed a bit, embarrassed. I mean, anyone would be embarrassed, wouldn't they? My blush was accompanied by a a smile. I couldn't help it.  A satisfied cat-in-the-cream smile as I remembered the park.

Bee kneeled before me and took my hand.  My sister-in-law and niece scooted close.  Someone got my mom on the speaker phone so she could listen in and offer sage advise. 

Thank goodness my Dad's Wife wasn't there.  She had caught me indulging once in the bathroom of her house and proceeded to lecture me up one side and down the other.  The woman isn'tshy about giving her opinion about anything, and until that day, I had never even considered that my little fetish might be detrimental to anyone.

I smiled at Bee's earnest face.  I kinda liked her there, kneeling.  You know, she is about a foot taller than me, and always makes me feel like a lawn gnome who forgot his hat.  "Dapoppins, you know you have a problem, don't you?"

"Uhhhhhh-"

 "It was alright when you were able to keep your problem within family and friends, but at the park you forgot yourself didn't you, and that wasn't the first time.  You can't keep doing this.  Your children are going to grow up warped and think every body does this..."

"Well, I--"

Bee wouldn't let me bring out my list of excuses.  "No. No Dapoppins. You just can't go around pinching bottoms.  You can't. It just isn't done.  You really scared those people at the park."

I looked down shamefully.  There it was out in the open.  Where everybody could see it.  I PINCH BUTTS.  I can't help myself.  Playing tag, going up the stairs, if there is a kid in front of me with a nice round bottom I want to pinch it.  Not a painful pinch.  Just a gentle little-squidge.  And then the kid squeaks and giggles and I want to do it again.  I Butt pinch so often that my younger kids, and Bee's own daughter, will wiggle their behinds at me and say, "Have a litlle Butt!" Just to tease me.

"We were playing tag," I offered to Bee lamely.

"You have a problem.  You need to keep your hands to yourself."


Okay, all that happened ages ago, and I have been going to Bottom Pinchers Therapy for awhile. But last night my seven year old came out of the bathroom nakid and it was so totally-butt-open-season that I could not help myself.  Who can resist that sort of temptation.  I managed to get one pinch in before he squealed and shut the door, deciding to get dressed.


I think I need more therapy.