I'm on facebook. You should friend me. I think my blog has a linky for Da Poppins around here someplace.
I have a lot of friends on facebook. Not hundreds. But more than in my day to day real life.
I have two male facebook friends that don't thrill my husband. Not that he isn't my friend too, but I have two he would rather never see or hear about.
Old boyfriends.
Let me just say that our marriage has a rule. We don't have deep, personal male (or female) relationships outside of our marriage. When I go hang out with friends, there are no guys in the group. There have never been any guys in the group. [Unless it's another married couple and I'm just there eating their dinner and not feeding my own kids.] And to make it clear, there will never be guys in my play date group. Not only would they totally cramp our conversations on weight loss, bra size, constipation, consternation, kids, and the best- way-to-clean-up-a puddle-of-vomit-off-a-carpet, it would just be unacceptable behavior on my part and it won't happen.
I do have one friend who is a single father. And he is gay. I've known him since high school. I could do a whole post about him. But we only talk on the phone, and really not that often unless he is calling me for advise on how to pry his kid's face off the t.v. video game thing. (shutting off the electricity works wonders...they wander around in the dark, partially blinded, bumping into things like pin balls for at least an hour. It's really fun to watch!) I also whine a bit now and then to him, for fear he might think I am perfect. However dependable he is, I don't depend on him. He's not my husband.
Anyway...back to the face book thing.
Have you friended any of your old flames? How does your significant other feel about it?
The thing is, I don't hate those old flames. I was curious and hopeful that they were doing well in life. I like seeing the status updates pop up now and then. I like seeing pictures of their kids. I don't often comment, or write on walls, and when I do it's very casual and very cryptic. But is it also stretching a boundary?
I've watched a lot of FRIENDS show re-runs, in which Ross and Rachel remain "friends" after a break-up. Teasing, good-natured name calling, and canned laughter takes place in a lot of these episodes, but none of the truth of the pain and dysfunction that remain after an intimate relationship has ended. I don't think those NY apartment relationships are anything like real life. I find myself telling young people.... me, speaking in weak, spidery voice, "Young'ens, this aint no Friends episode, and you ain't Ross and Rachel!"
Do you think I've crossed a lineving any contact at all with past (male) relationships on facebook?
I have a lot of friends on facebook. Not hundreds. But more than in my day to day real life.
Today's discussion: "Is having old boyfriends on facebook as "friends" okay?"
I have two male facebook friends that don't thrill my husband. Not that he isn't my friend too, but I have two he would rather never see or hear about.
Old boyfriends.
Let me just say that our marriage has a rule. We don't have deep, personal male (or female) relationships outside of our marriage. When I go hang out with friends, there are no guys in the group. There have never been any guys in the group. [Unless it's another married couple and I'm just there eating their dinner and not feeding my own kids.] And to make it clear, there will never be guys in my play date group. Not only would they totally cramp our conversations on weight loss, bra size, constipation, consternation, kids, and the best- way-to-clean-up-a puddle-of-vomit-off-a-carpet, it would just be unacceptable behavior on my part and it won't happen.
I do have one friend who is a single father. And he is gay. I've known him since high school. I could do a whole post about him. But we only talk on the phone, and really not that often unless he is calling me for advise on how to pry his kid's face off the t.v. video game thing. (shutting off the electricity works wonders...they wander around in the dark, partially blinded, bumping into things like pin balls for at least an hour. It's really fun to watch!) I also whine a bit now and then to him, for fear he might think I am perfect. However dependable he is, I don't depend on him. He's not my husband.
Anyway...back to the face book thing.
Have you friended any of your old flames? How does your significant other feel about it?
The thing is, I don't hate those old flames. I was curious and hopeful that they were doing well in life. I like seeing the status updates pop up now and then. I like seeing pictures of their kids. I don't often comment, or write on walls, and when I do it's very casual and very cryptic. But is it also stretching a boundary?
I've watched a lot of FRIENDS show re-runs, in which Ross and Rachel remain "friends" after a break-up. Teasing, good-natured name calling, and canned laughter takes place in a lot of these episodes, but none of the truth of the pain and dysfunction that remain after an intimate relationship has ended. I don't think those NY apartment relationships are anything like real life. I find myself telling young people.... me, speaking in weak, spidery voice, "Young'ens, this aint no Friends episode, and you ain't Ross and Rachel!"
Do you think I've crossed a lineving any contact at all with past (male) relationships on facebook?
Posts
13 comments:
I am not sure I'd want an ex-boyfriend as a facebook friend -- but it would depend on the friendliness of the relationship and if you could stand him in public.
I'm going to be the odd man out, here, I can just tell it. I have guy friends. They aren't my husband and they aren't family. Friends and wisdom comes in all shapes and forms. Iron sharpens iron, no matter what gender.
Life's too short to have too few friends
I had an old boyfriend defriend me. It was odd. We are both married, and he had a baby. I went to see his baby pics, and we were no longer friends. Oh well!
I am friends with old boyfriends...most of my friends in school were boys.
My beloved is an old boyfriend as are my ex-husbands ;-D
My Beloved is my friend and he is friends with the old guys. Beloved says it lets him keep an eye on 'em and they get to keep an eye on his status.
I don't think it's crossing the line at all. I'm actually still pretty good friends with my first boyfriend. He even came to my wedding and has gone out to lunch with my husband and I. He doesn't have Facebook, but two of my other exes do and I'm friends with them both and occasionally we exchange comments. I only have one ex who I can't stand and I find absolutely worthless. He even contacted me once via my old blog, but I brushed him off. Thing is, the men I dated before, I dated because I liked who they were as people and I still do, just not romantically, so why not be casual friends?
I guess it all comes down to a personal choice and each person must make his own decisions.
As for myself - Years back when I was younger I ran into an ex - it turned out we were both single and we dined and tried to start afresh - but it didn't take long for me to remember why he was an ex. Needles to say it never really went anywhere.
Now that I am a senior Citizen and much older and wiser - I make a point of reminding myself that any guy I previously dated is an ex for a reason and I don't bother to go there again.
On the other hand I do have male friends I never dated that I still send e-mails to and/or talk to on facebook.
Any how that's just my humble opinion.
Hugs,
Penny
I don't *do* Facebook. Only made one, because of my "Band Of Horses" fandom.
Having been in the Mailing Lists, "back at the beginning of time." Then blogs. That's it for my active social sites activity. Have a zillion blogs, on all different topics, and can't keep up with them. ,-)
As to the "old flames"/Facebook issue, who'd want 'em around anyway? Old is old. To be a "flame," it's got to be new. -evil grin-
But in a nutshell, in answer to your 'wonderings,' if you're concerned, and asking such advice, don't. If you're not sure yourself, don't "go there."
Wisdom 101, from "Ol' Aunie"
Crap!
You gave me the idea and now I've waited too long to find my ex's.
They must all be dead or they are OLD FARTS . ;0)
I don't see anything wrong with you having them as friends. It sounds like you know what ways it should be used and what limits to keep it in to me.
Before I say what i was originally going to say, I have to point out that my best friend and several other people i know had old boyfriends on FB and when things got unpeachy at home- intense online relationships developed. Scary... we always have to have our guard up.
That being said...
I have old boyfriends on my FB. there are one or two i can't find- that I'd love to connect with. In fact, one of my dearest friends is married to an old boyfriend that i was very serious with. There is only one ex that i am no longer in touch with (we were myspace buddies, back in the myspace day- and it was a bad idea)and it is best that we don't have that (or any) connection. My husband doesn't care one way or the other. He has exes on his fb and I'm curious, sometimes... but not threatened. I guess it helps that he NEVER logs in to FB> :)
I wouldn't like it if it were Mr OP with old GF's so personally (I don't have FB) I wouldn't do it. Just my thoughts.
Leann
There is no cut and dry answer, I believe. You have to do what is right for you...and your relationship with hubs.
Questions to ask yourself and talk about w/each other. (some are BIG no-brainers cause I know you, but humor me)......
Why do you need or want to keep in touch with ex-bfs?
Why does hubs have an issue with it, and "I just do" is not an answer. :)
What kind of relationship do you want to pursue outside of FB with ex-bfs?
Will you be PM-ing or FB chatting?
Does hubs trust you? Trust them?
Resent your past?
Is hubs jealous or going caveman on you (MINE!)? If so, why?
Have you given hubs a reason to be jealous?
Does hubs have access to your FB profile/password/wall, etc...whether he uses them or not?
Who is more important, old bf or hubs?
Does hubs object due to different moral, political, faith, or ethical views?
As for more pointed observations, cause I know who you are talking about, hehe... I know hubs reasons to object are different for each of them. One is old bf, one is gay. I have so many fb friends that are ALL walks of life. Positive in friendship, but gay, straight, bi, liberal, wiccan, crazy, young, old, educated, poor, wealthy, uber religious, organized religious, no church, anti church. It boils down to respect, for my views and I say, be in, but not of, the world. How else can we show God's love?
I know I didn't answer anything directly, but again, you have to do what's right for you and your hubs. :) xo
I am sure it's different when you're married, I for one never thought that boyfriend/girlfriend rules would be different than husband/wife rules, so thank you for letting me know that :)
I think why men would get jealous or not really jealous, just you know? Uncomfortable with the presence of an ex, even on a social networking website, is because they feel that you and that person share some sort of history- things he wasn't there to experience with you. Or at least that is the only explanation that would make sense to me.
I know where my ex is, and I have no desire to befriend him. Shudder.
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