( waving back at you all! Thanks! And, oddly, things blogs did just reappear in my reader)
I've had an emotional week. Month. Almost year.
Not as emotional as it could have been. Thank You. I am so very blessed you see. But emotional enough to remind me that not only do I NOT like Change. I also do not like a lot of the pesky feelings that come along with change.
I was not always like this. OH NO. Nooooo.
I used to revel in my feelings, delight in my deep joys as much as my deep hurts, and express them all as freely as any tired two year old denied a cookie. These things inside of me that cut with such perfect beauty, the color and pain that made me wild, overwhelming my youth and young adult years, were not only apart of me-- it was my right and my freedom to express my feelings whenever and however I wished.
That is I had very little emotional self control and I didn't care.
Then came children. So much of that emotional passion suddenly turned to sour. There was no room for it anymore. No time. And, frankly, it was dangerous to my family.
Sometime around when my second child was born, (20 months after my first,) I started taking Zoloft. Just a little. A nurse told me once, that "I would get the same amount of affect from the drug if I rubbed it on my arm that I did from the amount I'm ingesting..." That is, she thought it couldn't be working because I was taking so little. But the medication worked great, until my third child. So I upped the dose. And then when the insurance coverage switched, I started taking Prozac. I took a daily Prozac until my fourth child was about three, and the drug started to have side affects that interrupted my life.
And gained the emotional self control necessary for raising kids. I gained some clarity. Maybe I even gained some maturity. I learned I don't need my temper tantrums.
But, I also lost the ability to easily feel and easily recover from deep emotion. Somewhere along the way, I forgot how to hold all that boiling feeling,- what to do with it, where to put it in the middle of a conversation. And how does one have a decent adult conversation while feeling all that welling eruption of inner-crud?
Gah. In relationships, somethings are only solved by digging though the crap in our souls. Digging though the impacted emotion.
At twelve, I was way too free to suffer any kind of impacted anything.
At twelve, I didn't have half the issues I had today to deal with, and I thought life was so so HARD.
What is your way of dealing with emotion?
I've had an emotional week. Month. Almost year.
Not as emotional as it could have been. Thank You. I am so very blessed you see. But emotional enough to remind me that not only do I NOT like Change. I also do not like a lot of the pesky feelings that come along with change.
I was not always like this. OH NO. Nooooo.
I used to revel in my feelings, delight in my deep joys as much as my deep hurts, and express them all as freely as any tired two year old denied a cookie. These things inside of me that cut with such perfect beauty, the color and pain that made me wild, overwhelming my youth and young adult years, were not only apart of me-- it was my right and my freedom to express my feelings whenever and however I wished.
That is I had very little emotional self control and I didn't care.
Then came children. So much of that emotional passion suddenly turned to sour. There was no room for it anymore. No time. And, frankly, it was dangerous to my family.
Sometime around when my second child was born, (20 months after my first,) I started taking Zoloft. Just a little. A nurse told me once, that "I would get the same amount of affect from the drug if I rubbed it on my arm that I did from the amount I'm ingesting..." That is, she thought it couldn't be working because I was taking so little. But the medication worked great, until my third child. So I upped the dose. And then when the insurance coverage switched, I started taking Prozac. I took a daily Prozac until my fourth child was about three, and the drug started to have side affects that interrupted my life.
And gained the emotional self control necessary for raising kids. I gained some clarity. Maybe I even gained some maturity. I learned I don't need my temper tantrums.
But, I also lost the ability to easily feel and easily recover from deep emotion. Somewhere along the way, I forgot how to hold all that boiling feeling,- what to do with it, where to put it in the middle of a conversation. And how does one have a decent adult conversation while feeling all that welling eruption of inner-crud?
Gah. In relationships, somethings are only solved by digging though the crap in our souls. Digging though the impacted emotion.
At twelve, I was way too free to suffer any kind of impacted anything.
At twelve, I didn't have half the issues I had today to deal with, and I thought life was so so HARD.
What is your way of dealing with emotion?
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7 comments:
I'm sorry to hear you've had to deal with so much. I hope things get better for you. I deal with emotion in a lot of different ways. I talk over what is on my mind with someone, I write about it, I go off by myself for a while to give myself time to deal with it. I also sometimes do something physical like pull weeds or go for a bike ride or a walk or even run the vacuum or mop the floor. These activities give me an outlet for the frustration and energy that is created from some of my emotions. It keeps my hands or body busy while my brain is trying to get a handle on something that has upset me or made me angry or sad. If things are bad enough, I cry or yell. I think as we get older we do learn to better deal with our emotions. We kind of learn what works and what doesn't. I hope you have a good week ahead.
I had an emotional breakdown last weekend, which is unusual for me. I really try to be a positive, upbeat person, but I think all the stress got to me, and I just cried all day Saturday for no real reason.
Ive been doing " my crying " on the "inside" for years!
Sometimes I think that I have forgotten how to shed "real tears."
(((hugs)))
Depends on the emotion, I'd guess. Some I stuff. Some I process through quite healthfully :)
This is not meant to be smart aleck in any way. I take a prozac to even out my emotions. It's the only way I can get out of bed in the morning.
For me, I have to bring things up and communicate before I get overwhelmed with the little stuff and little stuff becomes big stuff.
I would absolutely blow up if I kept it bottled.
Sometimes my honesty comes across anti-social or odd to people who don't know me that well. People who know me, know that I'm a person who doesn't hold things in but wears my heart on my sleeve. I also have the personality that organically fits with said openness and expression. You have to find what works for you but that takes experimenting and sometimes striking out. You'll find it though.
And as someone who knew you "back then" I'd also say that having the freedom to express yourself shouldn't change. It's not a choice between the two extremes: letting it all hang out or stuffing it down. There is a balance using the maturity you've gained to discern the how, when, and where... there are times to express yourself openly and a time to bite your tongue. That you can only find by yourself, cautiously, and by trial and error. Practice makes perfect. :)
I eat. Things that are crunchy. Usually potato chips. Very cathartic.
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